O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee

...and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven and fear the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, by the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, do penance, and amend my life. Amen.

The other night a priest arrived. His name is Padre Herman (pronounced "air-maahn"). He is from Peru--and yes, admirer of St. Martin de Porres and St. Rose of Lima--and now is a priest of the Diocese of Madrid. He is young and always wears his clerical garb. He is also a friend of Las Cruzadas--of the teachings and leadership of the late Padre Tomas Morales, Servant of God. Padre Herman is here for prayer and reflection, for a few days, I gather. He speaks French and a little English. During dinner his black eyes seemed to bore into my soul, and it was like St. John of the Cross' poetry of the cautery wounding within--eying the dark spots of accumulated sins. After dinner I asked if he would be willing to hear my confession.

He immediately agreed. Priests seem to exist, in great part, to bring souls to the Sacraments, to Jesus, and to His Holy Catholic Church. The Sacrament of Reconciliation, otherwise known as Confession, is a strengthening conduit to Christ and His Church. The graces bestowed to a soul from a good, heartfelt confession and the ensuing performance of a penance, again, defy description. Many attempt to use the metaphor: a weight lifted off one's shoulders or from one's heart or soul. Others refer to "deep, thorough cleansing." I have always considered the confessional as a tomb room in which Jesus takes the deadened-by-sin soul and through His earthly representative, the priest, resurrects the soul. I always feel as if, after my confession, act of sincere contrition, and the powerful absolution, the Resurrected Jesus walks out of the tomb-room with my newly resurrected soul. I try to immediately offer my assigned penance (offering which confirms my resolve to amend my life and also which makes reparation in various ways to the Sacred Heart of Jesus).

In this way, it seems as if I am also accompanied by Jesus, and we ascend to a closer bond of love. Maybe it is like a glass of water in which a drop of black ink has been diffused; confession and absolution are the recognition of that drop of ink and forgiveness of it through dumping out the stained water. Penance is an act in which one refills the glass with fresh water. Well, this is not a good example stated separately, but all together, the Sacrament of Reconciliation is like this, as a grace from God bequeathed through the ordained priest in personna Christi but with the heartfelt desire and cooperation of the sinner--of which we all bear title. There are no words to describe this Sacrament, but I keep trying. Weekly Sacramental confession and absolution has been a fortress of spiritual strength against sin, the occasions of sin, and the remission of temporal punishments of sin for the past decade. If only I'd had access to this Sacrament when young.... But, better late than never.

Some people consider frequent Sacramental confession too "scrupulous" and unnecessary. (The priest can discern scrupulosity in a soul.) Others even wrongly think that they don't need to have Sacramental confession at all. Well, I have been tainted by reading many lives of the saints. I tend to trust them and admire how they strove to live their lives, especially their Sacramental lives, and how they succeeded to union with God. The saints availed themselves of this Sacrament even more frequently than weekly, in some cases. Besides, my soul has enough to deal with, in its daily struggles, without accumulation of venial sins which, it is known, can lead to mortal sins. Confession really works. Why mess with success at this stage of the journey?

Padre Herman led me to the actual office of the late Padre Morales where there is a small confessional. The Sacrament is offered, mediated, infused, enacted, graced. Jesus and I leave the tomb-room in delight and refreshing flight.

Later, in my night-aired, silent cell, my mind takes up another thought: Is Padre Morales' spiritual essence beginning to enter what I am to do next? I am thoroughly delighted in my stay here with Las Cruzadas! I am learning more about these lay people: men, women, married, single, and the priests of this lay secular institute. Yes, I am immensely, joyfully impressed. The swells of young people who join the effort to live holy lives as contemplatives inserted into the everyday world is also impressive. The young people are called the Militia of Mary. My initial reason for learning more about the Crusaders of St. Mary, about their summer camps for youth, of their Institute for the Family, of their Homes of Mary--all stems from a prayer request received my second day here. (It involves a need for something uncannily similar in another part of the world.) Did I mention previously that the Cruzadas have "houses" in Ireland, Germany, Italy, Spain, Columbia, Peru, Bolivia, Mexico, and one for men in Virginia, USA? The hub is Spain, but the English-speaking Cruzadas go through spiritual formation in one of the two houses in Germany: Munich or Bonn. The Cruzadas themselves have various professions: teachers, professors, engineers, doctors, lawyers and others who work at other positions. The woman who assisted Padre Morales in the foundation back in 1964 is the Mother General today: Lydia Jimenez, a humble woman much respected.

This weekend about 20 Cruzadas are here at Tellamar for spiritual renewal; they comprise a mixture of recent and older Cruzadas. The women who are staying at Tellamar this summer, I learn, are teachers, for the most part, and will be going back to Madrid, Valencia, and Granada in September. Maria Angela is a law professor at Catholic University of Avila. Antonia used to teach but is disabled now and lives here in a life of prayer. Others are helping with the camps in Gredos, up in a more mountainous area--bonita! The camps help form youth in Catholic spirituality, human community, physical sports, and some English language acquisition. There are about 200 campers.

Yesterday two priests brought their backpacks into the entrance hall of Tellamar. One heard me speak English and struck up a conversation. They have come to join some Cruzadas who are going to Gredos for an eight-day St. Ignatius spiritual exercises retreat. Fr. Melchior explains that he and Fr. Fernando are Diocese priests but "children" of Padre Morales' well-developed program of spiritual growth through St. Ignatius and the Teresian (Carmelite) contemplative spirituality, which includes the teaching of St. John of the Cross. So, it seems a good melding of personal, religious formation and contemplative formation. All these priests and Cruzadas exude a joy, freedom, and peaceful depth--definitely deep-end swimmers. What is also a delight is that Las Cruzadas appeals to those who are young as well as some older. There is a vibrancy among this contemplative apostolic group which appeals, inspires, and grows. I try to be open to God's will in my own life, and I find myself asking more questions and collecting reading material, and praying. I will wait and see if God opens any doors.

The ex-nun who has been here before tells me that I am too old, that it takes 8-10 years of formation, that these Cruzadas are more religious than those in religious orders, and so forth. While the latter is true, her other information is not, as Carmen has already explained much which counters it. However, I am coming to even deeper acceptance of my bodily suffering, and I do not delude myself of my age. Yet, Padre Morales was 56 when he founded Las Cruzadas. St. Teresa was 47 when she decided to begin living a more intensified Christian life. We wouldn't have known anything about her had she died before age 50. So, I simply exist and wait for what ever more or different God may want of me, if anything.

Know that I have felt dreadful about complaining about the two older Americanos staying here. They left this morning. It is true that the entire atmosphere has altered and softened. What I have learned is that too much chatter may weaken the accuracy of what is spoken; loud voices weary the soul; loud voices tend to make for loud footsteps, also; and loud voices often increase other external appetites such as eating, shopping, dressing and impede listening and observing.
I did come to the point in which I could have short and sweet conversations with these two who truly are compassionate people. Yet, I had to make sure that there was always a built-in limit, as if they were encouraged with a few kind words, the chatter easily increased in volume, length, breadth but rarely depth.

A nun of the 16th century Discalced Carmelites once commented to St. John of the Cross that she noticed upon approach to a stream that the frogs quickly jumped in the water. "And you, too," he advised her, "must be as the frogs when humans approach if you want to divest yourself of attachments to the external senses." Understand that St. John of the Cross never advocated lack of charity toward mankind. He simply knew that if one is to progress toward union with God, one had to avoid that which would hinder. Think about frogs and people. If frogs woiuld not leap into the water and dive deep when humans approach. they'd be caught, killed, and their plump, jumping legs fried and eaten. Or, worse yet for the frog, cruel children would catch them and torment them and keep them as pets--the frogs dying a slow, painful death out of their deep, refreshing, necessary habitat.

Often we confuse charity with existing in unnecessary, undesirable friendships and suffering. The growth and necessity of love for union with God is expressed in St. John's Spiritual Canticle, Stanza 13, and commentary thereof. He recommends for acquiring charity, the practice of charity as is specified in Scripture. We all know the verses, hopefully, of which St. Paul writes.

Love is:

Patient
Kind
not Envious
does no Evil
does not become Proud
is not Ambitious
seeks not its Own
does not become Disturbed
thinks no Evil
rejoices not in Inequity--
but rejoices in the Truth
Suffers all things (that are to be suffered)
Believes all things (that are to be believed)
Hopes all things
Endures all things (that are in accord with charity)

Now, these last parenthetical inclusions are of critical importance. But first, the bulk of the list involves aspects which necessitate stripping the external attachments of the senses and move into the perfection of the virtues which will subdue and control the passions (vices). We note that one must rejoice in the TRUTH, which above all leads to knowing, accepting, following and loving spiritual Truth: Jesus. But we do not have to suffer things which are not intended to be suffered--such as that and those which hold us back from spiritual progress, which means those who remain in the shallow end of the pool--even of the Christian pool. This equates with casting pearls before swine, which Jesus most definitely forbids. We are not to believe that and those who do not know Truth. And we have no business enduring that and those who are not in accord with love--which could include the psychologically unhealthy, the cruel, the deceiving, the
treacherous, or the lukewarm who remain stagnant in the shallow end of the pool. Jesus said he'd vomit the lukewarm out of His mouth. No, we do not endure that or those which go against charity. To do so places us sinfully in the position of spiritual stagnation and regress.

I consider, myself, the first practice St. Paul mentions: Patience. Yes, love is patient, but could we add a parenthetical thought that one must be patient when the situation requires patience? Recall Jesus on several occasions in which He was not patient; in fact, he was intolerant of sin. So, we must not be patient in situations not of God, not of love. Well, this thought might be faulty, somehow, as it comes from my observations of times in which it might have been more loving of me in the final analysis to have not been patient, but then, I might be dabbling patience in with enduring all things. May Jesus clarify and illumine this point, as I have also found myself being fried from impulsive thoughts, words, and actions. Is being impulsive the same as being impatient?

It is a proud frog which thinks it can remain in an environment which is dangerous to its natural proclivity. It is a proud Christian who thinks he or she can acquire love by existing in an environment which promotes evil, envy, earthly ambition, selfish desires, interior disturbance, inequity and earthly and spiritual falsehoods. Why is it said in Scripture: Flee evil and cling to what is good? Unfortunately, we have white-washed the evil of our passions and culture and even some personal relationships. Better to dive deep when distracting species approach. It is long-in-arriving that I now comprehend and am willing to do the necessary in this regard. The saints were deep-end swimmers and divers. The Apostles were told to leave immediately that which did not receive them in peace nor return their peace. Why do we hesitate and hedge?

Sundays in Avila stream forth pealing church bells every hour and more so. Some of the bells clang and gong in symphonic cacophony for five-minute stretches, from several bellfries at once. No canned, recorded, imitation bells here sounding post-reformation hymns. Like the fresh altar flowers, the old bells are a priority in their original function and beauty. All for the greater glory of God, no matter the personal sacrifice! Someone picks the flowers, pays for them. Several someones get up early and offers time through out the day to pull the heavy ropes on the bells. Are we rightly reminded that it is God's money and God's time, anyway?