Dawning Love to My Beloved

Early morning fretting spurred me up and out to confession at the Cathedral. But first, I poured out the concerns to my Beloved, and to Him much love on St. Valentine's Day. And to Mary, our Mother, love and hope for learning love, for loving to learn to love.

And joy! This is what I expressed in confession: I desire a return of joy! The priest who happened to be in the confessional knows my pitiful situation. He acknowledged that my life is one of persecution from within that which I love so much. Yet, I must not fret; I must seek and find the peace that Jesus can give me in order to continue on, in love, with joy, and in seeking perfection.

See? I have many questions to ask Jesus, without words, and I see Him at dawn, basking in the beauty of another day on earth and in Heaven, reflecting love, joy, and peace so that I might grow more and more into His little good-for-nothing.

Yes, the other morning the message was strong. I will be known to Him in my littleness. He will know me thus, and so it is my challenge to comprehend and accept that He will not know me--may not desire to recognize me--other than when I am little. Thus I pray to be meek. Last night I repeated the Litany of Humility. This morning at Mass, after receiving the Beloved into myself, my heart begged to yearn for Him, and for Mary to teach me how to love Him, and to see Him in others. How I desire to love those I love and love those I don't love so much! And maybe love these who have hurt me (for those are the ones I don't love so much) all the more, for Christ's sake and for my own unloveliness' sake.

Here are a couple of beautiful passages from "He and I"--messages from Jesus to a woman named Gabrielle Bossis, French mystic and student of love, reborn into eternity in 1950.

She asked, "Lord, be my teacher. What should I do?"

He answered, "Look at Me in My gospels. There you will find My history, My life-story. You follow Me; you see Me comfort, heal, suffer, obey My Father for all of you. There you see Me denying Myself, keeping silence and speaking; seeking solitude, followed by the crowds; teaching, contradicted. Full of courage in defending truth, in rebuking the mighty, in taking the part of the little ones. Filled with compassion for the humble, the repentant, the oppressed. Thinking only of My people, not of Me; for you and against Myself....I wanted to leave for all of you My example; it said, 'Follow Me; this will be your response to Love.'"

Another time Gabrielle said to Jesus, "Lord, I rack my brains to find ways of loving You and I don't succeed."

He answered, "I am all simplicity. Love Me simply. When you think about Me, feeling sorry at not being able to do better, you love Me. When you act rather from duty than from inclination, you love Me. When you belittle yourself in your own eyes and before others, you love Me. When you want to pray and you dep0lore the distractions that make your thoughts wander, you love Me. When you hunt for words without being able to express your desires, you love Me. When you forgive a wounding remark; when you give pleasure for the sake of giving Me pleasure; when you cease to think of yourself in order to try to please Me; when you attempt to leave everything as though it were the day of your death; when in thought you joing the angels and saints, like one who arrives ahead of time; and when, in the evening, you welcome your tomorrow morning that will unite us, you love Me."

My Beloved, this is how I want to love You. So this morning I awoke with You at dawn, and I sought forgiveness and peace, once again, in the sacrament of confession, of penance, and I was sorry for fretting. I had written a letter which spoke truth, yes, but it was also like throwing a snowball at someone's back, making a white mark of chastising, shared correction: Do not judge from outer appearances! Do not persecute someone who tried to do good just because he or she seems to swirl controversy through devotion and attempted following of Christ!

So I look to Jesus, and I see that He is on the Cross, suffering, as usual. Like a lamb led to the slaughter, like as sheep before the shearers, He spoke not; He opened not His mouth. And I look to Jesus again, and He is sitting calmly, praying and absorbing the morning sun. He receives my St. Valentine-love messages, and always He suffers my frettings and pride. I know He is going to grant my desires and yearnings. Mother will, too.

I am going to love to learn to love, and I will learn love. They will teach me, and I will follow their instructions. Joy is here for the taking, even in the suffering, especially in the pain. Love is very simple.

The parish priest this morning asked us, "What is the second gift of the Holy Spirit?" Many students took guesses. I admit I couldn't hit the mark. Finally, a boy produced the answer: "Understanding." Yes, it takes understanding in order to love simply and to simply love.

Why can't I simply love? Why not simply love everyone, even most the painful ones? Why, I can. Yes, I can and I will. It is a lovely beginning, again.