My Spiritual Director

Humiliating as it is, and yet shameful that I must consider it humiliating: the Holy Spirit is to be my Spiritual Director.

Yes, this flies in the face of all wise and classic spiritual counsel of the great spiritual directors back to the early Desert Fathers. None advise to go the spiritual path without a temporal, wise, spiritual director of souls. Especially one is advised not to go it alone if there are evidenced spiritual experiences. Why? Deception, for one. To be deluded by the devil or to not be able to discern rightly what is of God are dangers of which no soul should wager.

However, after having asked the Vicar General if he knew of any spiritual directors for my poor soul, and he said he knew of no one, I then dared ask the Bishop. He told me to write out what I desired, expected--to "write it all down" and then he'd consider.

A week ago, following an ordination, and toward the conclusion of the banquet, the Bishop had a little chat with me about some other issues. Then, in closing, he asked a few questions of my spiritual life, culminating in his assessment that I must have the Holy Spirit now as my spiritual director. He added to talk things over with Fr. F. two or three times a year.

I brought up once more the fact that Fr. F. has told me more than once that he feels inadequate, that he feels he has taken me as far as he can.

But this did not deter my Bishop's response. No, I must have the Holy Spirit guide me now.
When I added that all the great classic masters of the spiritual life write that one is a fool who would not have an earthly spiritual director, the Most Reverend Bishop said that these are different times.

True, they are. There are scarce any priests truly trained in spiritual direction. The writings of A. Tanquerey and Pere Garrigou-Lagrange aren't on the seminary syllabi, not in most seminaries. Fr. F. recalls having read it in his seminary days, sixty years ago, but he said the instructor showed little enthusiasm in teaching The Spiritual Life. He said he could have used it all these years. Same with the writings of Pere Garrigou-Lagrange. At least he is reputed as having been a revered teacher of Pope John Paul II. Some of these books are in reprint, thankfully. The Faithful must latch on like crawling, dehydrated desert dwellers.

At first, after the Bishop walked off to necessary colloquies with important folk, I was crestfallen. Abandoned, even. I recalled references of those who'd write in disdain of the ridiculous, foolish souls who claimed this saint or that as their spiritual director, and the Holy Spirit seemed even more so out of reach, impractical and imprudent as directorial choice.

Later, though, I realized that obedience is always touted as the foundation for humility and humility the threshhold of faith. Who was I to doubt the authority and wisdom of the Ordinary of the Diocese?

By evening I asked the Holy Ghost to be my official spiritual director. "It's You and me, now, Holy Ghost. We are in this together until the end." Of course, there is no end. We are in it together, He and I.

The next morning I went to confession to offer contrition for having been so rude to the Holy Spirit. Who was I to not consider Him the greatest and best Spiritual Director a poor convert could have? Who was I to think that my Bishop was casting me aside, that he had simply wanted to be rid of my request and not deal with finding me someone, even a priest at the huge Catholic university in our Diocese?

The confessor commented that indeed it is not best to not have an earthly spiritual director, and for reasons of which I'd often read. However, his attitude was that there aren't even directors for priests (i.e. why should a convert laywoman have one?). Well, I agree; priests should have spiritual directors. Priests should be trained in spiritual direction, and if not, they should study it on their own. The books are out there, out-of-print and in reprint. What is more important, though, is that we should read the books and live what they teach. The great spiritual masters of souls who wrote those books certainly lived their words, for they knew what they wrote and guided souls known and unknown to sainthood!

But, the point remains that I had offended the Holy Spirit and doubted my Bishop, in balking some at the directive given me.

As the week has worn on, I am more and more grateful for that advice of he who is the closest a lay person without an earthly spiritual director can have to an earthly Superior: the Bishop. As I located and purchased more out-of-print Catholic books relative to the spiritual life, as I began reading yet another selection, a book on the spiritual life by the late Archbishop Luis Martinez, mystic and director of great souls, I realized that these books are the textbooks on the syllabus for Soul School, and they are what my Holy Spirit Director has chosen for me to study and practice and sustain through life. It is not unlike what the Bishop says to a newly ordained priest, pertinent to living out what is read and taught.

How blessed a poor convert am I! To have the Holy Ghost as my personal, loving, challenging, and knowledgable Spiritual Director is more than I could imagine! The Third Person of the Most Holy Trinity is the purveyor of love, of omniscience, of omnipotence, of perfection.

Yes, I'd been praying for a spiritual guide for my soul, wanting one who was experienced in the way of perfection. Who is superior to the Paraclete? Who is always accessible to my every thought and question? Who knows me inside and out, even before I think or act? Who tend to my every need and challenges and corrects my every misdeed?

And, if I am deluded in some aspect of discerning spirits, the fact of my obedience to my
Bishop will stand as testament to trust in Divine Providence. In the lives of the saints, and in the writings of the great spiritual masters, obedience is key.